Nabila

I have a sweet tooth. I love cakes and pastries and almost anything sweet, except for sweets themselves (ironically). So back when I went out with my friends for lunch at Pizza Hut in 2018, after stuffing ourselves with so much food, because I loved cakes so much, I still ordered this Molten Chocolate Lava Cake (I think it was just out back then?) even when I was already so full. But I wanted that cake! I stressed it out so much to my friends when they said, "Afifah, you're so full already, ice cream is coming, maybe it's a bad idea". I did not listen, because I wanted it so much. And yes, they ended up being right, and although I did finish the cake, I didn't get to enjoy it as I would usually do. And my friends have been referring to this event as the "SAYA MAU JUGA" event until this very day because I was that comically annoying when I want something I shouldn't have.

The point here is, I'm the type of person who won't listen to anyone once I want something. Even if I know other people are right, even if I know the thing that I want will be bad for me.  

And I've been having another kind of Molten Chocolate Lava Cake situation for a while now... That I don't know how want to let go. I'm not the type of person to leave cakes unfinished just because they're bad, because I value the ingredients and work that went into making the cake. But this cake, unlike other cakes I've had before, triggered a lot of allergy reactions, weirdly, because I do not have any allergies. But you see... this lava cake is my first real out-of-actual-bakery cake, and I spent almost all of my savings on it, so it would be a shame to throw it away. And because I have been eating it for a while, it feels so natural in my mouth, and the allergy reactions, despite getting worse and worse every day because they go untreated, now only feel like that itch on your foot you can't scratch. 

Now here comes the part where I conclude this post and share how I overcome this... but I can't because it's an ongoing situation. Advice is welcome, and please send prayers because I feel like my allergic reactions are killing me slowly.

I want to play with your hair,

I want to see you breathe as you sleep at night,
And ask about your dreams when you wake up,
And bear the pain of loving you way too much.

I want to see you under the morning light,
And be the one sitting next to you under the afternoon glow,
And bear whatever it is that you would spill and overspill to me.

I want to write you poems,
And watch as you laugh and ask what you think of them,
Do you want to build a home with me?

230310 / kita usahakan rumah itu – sal priadi

---

Needless to say, I'm a hopeless romantic. This poem was not inspired by the song mentioned, but the last verse was; the conclusion to what I wanted to say to the guy behind this poem. I was in love out of my mind with this one guy a bajillion days ago and thought "Oh, he has shiny eyes, he would have really cute children", but then also thought "Yeah, and he would most likely not have any with you". The second verse was, in fact, the first one written. This poem is sweet. The reason it was written was bitter, just like most of what I've written. I have another poem titled her and her and her that's like a brutal version of this poem (similar message, harshly worded), I don't think that piece will see the light of day LOL.

I guess we've established that I'll be doing a quarterly life update instead of monthly. Your girl has the attention span of a 5-year-old, emotional burst-outs like a 16-year-old and spends her time like she's a massive workaholic (wake up, work work work, go home, sleep)—she's not a workaholic. I love writing here because it summarises everything that has been happening to me, and is also at my fingertips. Journaling is one thing, I do that too, but sometimes it's too much, and I usually just do a brain (emotional—more like a trauma) dump instead of summarising my life. It's important TO ME that I document my life because of my Dory brain and my need of nostalgizing life every now and then. So here's what you missed on gLeE mE...

Surprisingly, I still work at my first job, whereas ALL of my friends have left one by one. I freak out over this at least once a week, and it has been taking a toll on me for a while. I've cry-called my mother more times than I want to admit, embarrassingly. I watch my friends moving on with their lives and growing, and I don't feel like I'm growing in the same trajectory as them. My growth feels... rather... slow. And my life also feels slow. So I am having a mid-year crisis, let's see if I'll get over it by the next quarter.

I don't remember if I've ever written about this, but I love rewatching stuff (which is why I'm on an eternal Friends rewatch—sucks that it's not on Netflix or Disney anymore). It's easy to digest the things you've seen, you get to relive your favourite scenes again and again, and sometimes you get to have a perspective you didn't have the first time around. It's comforting, you don't tend to do a watch marathon (which is great but takes a toll on your sleep and eyes). These days, I'm rewatching Modern Family, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and sometimes, How I Met Your Mother. And during my long holiday in June, I was on a full-on Marvel marathon, which re-established my love for Guardians of the Galaxy, Loki (the character) and Tony Stark.

Sometimes when a big change happens in your life, this whole version of you shatters into small pieces, beyond repair. The harsh truth is that you will never get this version back. You will need to rebuild everything that was shattered from scratch, and it will not look quite the same as the one before. This new version of you might be hard to love when you spent years and years to like even that good-enough past self, but with time, you'll see what to love in this new version and accept it somehow. And that's kinda the process I'm currently in, and it's super hard.

1. This slightly mushy but bittersweet thing I wrote

2. are you emotionally detached or are you just protecting yourself? - good damage

3. Untuk Dunia, Cinta Dan Kotornya by Nadin Amizah

I need to read and consume quality content more, but these days I just can't. Not even my favourite books. Not even my favourite content creators, not even my favourite musicians and writers. My days have turned into this blurry, grey ball of nothings; my tomorrows just echo from my yesterdays. Everything feels stagnant, to be honest; my feet deep in dirt, heart too scared to jump out, not knowing where I might end up... This post is kind of my "TAKE A BREATH" moment.

I long to see you at the end of every day.

Life’s tough and people are rough,

Yesterday draining, tomorrow reckoning,

Today, still spinning,

But you sit at the end of my day,

Gentle and sweet,

The catalyst of my healing,

A soft place to land when I free fall.

I long to see you at the end of every day.

Home, just not quite yet,

But warm, just the same.

My buzzing mind, ever trembling, never quiet,

Your quiet noise, ever lingering, never fading.

Intentional silence and comfortable chatter,

Over coffee or cakes or ice cream.

I long to see you at the end of every day,

And I wish I always will,

I wish that what you are to me is what I am to you,

And if we’re damned to wither,

I wish that this is how you’ll remember me;

A person you look forward to seeing every day,

To be missed and reminisced.

250625 / don’t forget you love me – calum hood

---

Saw this Calum Hood's interview on TikTok, and there was this one comment that interprets "don't forget you love me" that Calum's ex said to him as a reminder to never demonise their relationship and antagonise the ex-lover by remembering that he love/loved them. And so that gave a kind of clarity to me... which inspired this poem.

BLURB: Sarah Amani is a Worldsmith. At eighteen, she accidentally conjured a mythical world she called Lagenda from her mind with the help of a past lover, Malik. 

Five years had passed and she was on a straight path to healing and moving on. She made sure nobody could enter Lagenda again and only allowed people to come in as wanderers by giving them petals as tickets. It was her way of ensuring that Lagenda remained hers without destroying it. Just when she thought she could leave her past, she was invited back into the world with a note saying "You know what to do. -M".

She had to go back to Lagenda to make sure the person who sent her the note could not take the world from her. What Amani found is that Lagenda was not as abandoned as she thought it was. Determined to save her world from being exploited and smeared more than how it already is, she sets to burn every door and relic holding the world together. If she cannot keep Lagenda, nobody should. But it seemed that the person who sent her the note had other plans. 

Together with her trusty dagger, Misya, her sister, a stubborn historian called Najmi and all the misfits she never dreamed of collaborating with, she would find herself propelling straight to her dark past and beloved world.

Erasers are nice and pretty. But in life, sometimes you have to take a pen and write over the things you want to fix. Just cross out the things you don't like and write a new string of words. There is no time to erase, not enough erasers in the world. No time for perfection in moving on, just action.

Genre: Young Adult, Magical Realism, Fiction
Goodreads rating: 3.87
Pages: 585
Publication: February 22nd 2022 by Whitecoat Group Sdn. Bhd

Source: Popular Bookstore
Book links: Iman Shoppe Bookstore | Shopee 
Reading format: Paperback

Review type: Non-spoilery

I wrote a review right after I finished reading this book on Goodreads at 12.00AM, but it was not well thought out, so here I am rewriting a review for this book because this book was very meaningful for me to not be mentioned in my blog.

This book was a deeply emotional book that centres around the topics of healing, finding your way back to yourself and God, what closure really looks like, forgiveness and letting go. Interestingly, this book is also a magical realism, set in a world with people with knacks, and some even have the ability to create a whole other magical world. And for this book specifically, we have the main character, Amani, who created a world called Lagenda.

First and foremost, despite being a magical realism, this book is a fictional self-help book at its core. With so many touching lines about healing and the way some important topics, such as abuse, relationships and forgiveness with one's self were beautifully written, it was proven that N.F. Afrina has a way with words. There was so much power imbued in the way those important topics were written, but they are also written in metaphors and pretty lines, which enables the book to touch the souls of us readers, but also delicate enough to not break those who can relate to the main character's experiences. For me personally, these topics were well done and are the highlights of this book.

The beauty of this book was also its curse; it was not the plethora of metaphors that became a problem, but the disorganised way they were laid out. It's one thing to have niche writing, and it's one thing to have a disorganised one, to the point that the readers have problems in recognising where we were in the story, and understanding the world and its magic system. Personally, I think it's fine that the author spent so much time inserting metaphors here and there. I agree that those will beautify the book, but at the same time, the world-building felt a little bit abandoned. Whilst the magical part of this book blended so well with the real world, which is applaudable, the details on that magical part was not exactly well-written, which sucks for us fantasy lovers.

Other than that... despite this story being character-driven, the main character herself was not so lovable, not in the I-hate-her-so-much way but I-don't-know-her-well-to-love-her way, as everything was written more in 'told' way than 'shown'. Like, I loved Amani's journey towards healing, but not Amani herself, and it was a bit disappointing that we didn't get to learn more about side characters such as Misya, Najmi and the others. This book was written in Amani's POV with other characters' POVs here and there, but those other characters' POV were written in a very rushed way that made them feel very two-dimensional with no lovable or interesting qualities.

With that being said, if this is the first book out of a series, it is a promising one. Especially after reading the short story at the end, I definitely would buy the sequel. Additionally, having read the A/N saying this book was written when she was 18 explains the way this book was written. I am never going to say poorly written because I could never write a book with emotional depth like this book when I was 18. And this book was already this good without proofreading, are you kidding me? You can definitely see the author's growth in the short story, which is why I am so rooting for her and this world.