back at hill house, and it haunts me just the same
11.04.2025
This is not your usual TV show review; it's more like a 1AM rant (literally) — vulnerable, dramatic and unapologetically me. So bear with me.
Just like some places you revisit time and time again to re-catch their beauty (for me, it’s the Tip of Borneo), The Haunting of Hill House is one of those pieces you keep coming back to. Not simply to reexperience the beauty and horror it delivers, but to see it from a different angle, a different perspective. I’ve watched The Haunting of Hill House three times, and each experience was different.
The first time, I was shocked by how love could be expressed through ghost stories, making me see horror through a different lens. It shaped what I consider a good story, specifically in horror. Where I usually asked “What is the ghost? Why is this place haunted?” while watching horror, I now think that hauntings are more than just spirits—they are also memories, past joys and sorrows, and the grief we carry throughout our lives long after we thought we were healed. Haunting doesn’t always equal ghosts. This show taught me patience as a viewer, not just focusing on the plot but dissecting what lies within. I was nineteen; I was changed.
The next time I watched it was with my brother, with whom I share many of my quirks. I wanted to see if he would like it, if our flame still burned from the same wood—and he did. We talked about addiction, about the grey space between good and bad, about the impossibility of pure black and white. That conversation shaped how my mind works, how I see the world.
Recently, I watched it again, as someone freshly heartbroken, trying to love something from the past once more. And again, I was changed. So much has happened since I was twenty-one—so many wrongs done to me, so many I’ve done myself. This time, instead of hating the characters most despised, I tried to see them as if I were in their shoes, to understand them, and to learn how everyone processes grief differently—and how grief and ghosts consistently stay with us through life, even when we think we’re healed.
It wouldn't have changed anything, I need you to know that. Forgiveness is warm, like a tear on a cheek. Think of that and of me when you stand in the rain. I loved you completely, and you loved me the same. That's all. The rest is confetti.
I learned forgiveness—oh, did I learn about forgiveness on another level this time. I was in a place of resentment I thought would never fade, yet I discovered that forgiveness is warm, like a tear on a cheek. I realised that I did completely love the people who left, and they loved me the same. The rest is confetti. My heart expanded so much, and somehow God willed me to forgive—or at least to open my heart enough to begin. Maybe I glimpsed this in my first and second watch, but isn’t it beautiful how our favourite pieces remind us of so much, teach us so much, and make us feel so much? Isn’t it a miracle that God allows us to learn through art?
The show is nearly perfect, but never flawless. The characters are flawed and messy, just like humans—and somehow still lovable, also just like us. The words, the script—they linger. They remind me why art exists, why it is made beautifully, and why it touches us so deeply. If art doesn’t bring you closer to God, what a shame it is to miss that gift.
When we die, we turn into stories. And every time someone tells one of those stories, it’s like we’re still here for them. We’re all stories in the end.
page 57 of growing oddities | virgo
10.27.2025
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A dream I never dreamed,
A life I almost held.
I drove us into silence,
And only I remained.
My soul, hollowed,
My love, left unshed.
Fire, bloody fire everywhere.
The care I never learned to give,
The breath I could not keep.
I reached for you way too late,
I lost you in the dark.
Lavender blue, dilly dilly blue—
How I would have loved you.
250127 / bigger than the whole sky – taylor swift
Viklis Mexcilon, our child would've been here today.
nabila's soundtracks of 2025 #1: older (and wiser) album by lizzy mcalpine
10.21.2025
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I first discovered Lizzy McAlpine in 2020, at the height of COVID-19, through her song Pancakes for Dinner. Her songs were my retreats, her voice was my lullaby. Ever since then, her songs and I have been inseparable. I listened to her throughout my study years, my working era, my single phase, the one year I was in love and now, during my breakup phase. Her songs have been the soundtracks of my years. It's no surprise that despite her latest album being released last year, it remains significant to me this year. So here are my thoughts on the album and tons of oversharing (uncalled for), track-by-track.
track #1: The Elevator
Thoughts: The perfect introduction to the album. It starts with such good energy and momentum — the kind that lifts you up instantly. And somehow, this song lingers throughout the rest of the album; no matter which track you’re on, you keep circling back to this one. It’s the heartbeat that echoes through everything that follows.
Lines that hit too close: Can we stay like this forever? Can we be here in this room 'til we die? I think we can make it, I hope that I'm right.
Why they hit: This perfectly captures how I feel at the start of something new — a relationship, a connection, even just a possibility. (Confession: I associate this song with two different guys, LOL. Maybe that’s why it’ll always symbolize beginnings for me.) There are moments so good you don’t want them to end — when everything feels suspended in time, untouched by reality. These lines hold all that hope, that naïve belief that maybe this time, it’ll last.
track #2: Come Down Soon
Thoughts: THIS SONG. It feels like you’ve just reached the first floor of a building — not even your destination yet — and you already know something’s off. You can sense what’s coming: the excitement, the chaos, and that inevitable crash. There’s this eerie anticipation, like you’re bracing for the fall even before it begins.
Lines that hit too close: Nothing this good's ever really good for me. Oh, it'll come down soon, you'll see.
Why they hit: In The Elevator, you’re going up — hopeful, heart racing. But Come Down Soon is the voice in your head whispering, “it’s going downhill from here.” I can’t help but associate this one with my last relationship — the one I somehow knew was doomed from the start. It’s that bittersweet awareness that even in the best moments, you’re just waiting for gravity to do its thing.
track #3: Like It Tends To Do
Thoughts: I didn’t listen to this song much when it first dropped — it didn’t click then. But now, after going through a very real breakup, this song hits on an entirely different level. It makes me anxious and weirdly emotional about the idea of running into my ex again. Like, what would happen? Would we talk? Pretend we don’t see each other?
Lines that hit too close: If we were standing in the same room, would we be in separate corners? Would I actively avoid you?
Why they hit: The same question I've been wondering—the whole song is, to be honest. I probably won't avoid him. I told my ex I would avoid him, but knowing me, in a situation where we're in the same room, I know I would go to him with the same warmth I had when we were together.
track #4: Movie Star
Thoughts: Like many songs on this album, this one scared me, because I was terrified it might turn out to be premonitional of my own life. Listening to it at the start of a relationship felt… dangerous. Too close to home. So I avoided it, completely. It’s that eerie kind of song that feels like it’s looking you straight in the eye and saying, “this could be you.”
Lines that hit too close: I wanna change, I wanna grow, but it's physically impossiblе to stand here and not say that I love you even if I don't.
Why they hit: The contrast between this verse and the first one — from the thrill of new love to the exhaustion of forced affection — just hurts. It’s that chilling moment when passion turns into performance, when you realise the words you’re saying out loud no longer match the way you feel inside.
track #5: All Falls Down
Thoughts: The production on this one... paired with the lyrics... Lizzy McAlpine, once again, proves she’s a genius. If Come Down Soon was your mind whispering, “it’s all going downhill from here,” then All Falls Down is the moment you actually start falling — not just your relationship, but everything else too. The slow unravelling. The chaos that doesn’t wait for your permission. It’s the sound of everything collapsing in sync, just like every kind of fall tends to be.
Lines that hit too close: Doing fine, like I always am! Am I that good of a liar that I believe myself again?
Why they hit: That line is the entire energy of the song. The denial, the forced normalcy, the pretending you’re okay when everything’s quietly breaking apart. It’s painfully self-aware — and that’s what makes it hit so hard.
track #6: Staying
Thoughts: With Ceilings from her previous album, I totally expected it to go viral — it had that undeniable “it” factor. But this song? I honestly didn’t think people would get it the way her long-time listeners would. And yet, somehow, it blew up. Which makes me so happy, because this song deserves so much love. Loving Staying feels deeply personal to me; it’s the embodiment of my last relationship. I always knew it would end, that eventually one of us would have to walk away… but neither of us could. We just kept holding on, long after we should’ve let go.
Lines that hit too close: Maybe I would be okay if I let this go forever, send it into space and watch the planets turn. Maybe I will someday let this go forever, hold me until I find the nerve.
Why they hit: There’s a whole TikTok discussion about these lines — and rightfully so. The wordplay is genius. “Let this go” is used twice in the bridge, each time meaning something entirely different: the first as releasing it, the second as letting it go on forever. That duality of wanting to free yourself but also wanting to hold on scratches my brain the right way. And honestly? Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
track #7: I Guess
Thoughts: The second single from the album — and honestly, the perfect preview of what the whole project is about. It captures Lizzy’s growth so beautifully, not just musically, but emotionally. You can hear her maturity, her changed perspective on love, on what it means to care for someone and still lose them. It’s reflective, grounded, and quietly devastating.
Lines that hit too close: I guess it's all about timing, I guess it's all about the things you have but didn't want, I guess it's all about dying, to love someone.
Why they hit: Because we’re all, in some way, dying to love someone — and yet, to love someone is to die a little. Whether you love or you don’t, it hurts either way. That paradox sits right at the core of this song, and of love itself.
track #8: Drunk, Running
Thoughts: The song that sealed it for me. My first favourite from the album. The one that made me cry over and over — even when I couldn’t personally relate to it yet. There’s something haunting about the idea of staying with someone through their dark phase, convincing yourself it’s love, when really, you’re just enabling them. You know you shouldn’t stay. Everyone around you knows it, too. But just like they couldn’t let go of their demons, you couldn’t let go of them.
Lines that hit too close: Make a person out of memories, they won't live up to it, I'm so sorry I stayed when I shouldn't.
Why they hit: Because how long did you stay — not for who they are, but for who they used to be? For the version of them that made you believe staying was worth it?
track #9: Broken Glass
Thoughts: The transition from Drunk, Running to this song — and then into You Forced Me To — is absolutely perfect, both sonically and narratively. While Drunk, Running feels eerily nostalgic, Broken Glass crashes in like the brutal reality check: “we hurt each other and we shouldn’t be together.”
Lines that hit too close: I want you now and then I don't, and every word is a land mine. I hold the glass against your throat, but I can't do it this time. It might seem like I love you, but I just don't want to be alone.
Why they hit: It’s a volatile relationship — you hurt me first, so I hurt you back. My words are sharp; your actions are a freaking meteor.
track #10: You Forced Me To
Thoughts: When Lizzy first posted this song back in 2022, I couldn’t stop playing it. It was my morning alarm and my lullaby — I breathed this song for weeks. The piano, the composition, the atmosphere — it’s haunting in every sense. If Weird from her previous album already felt ghostly, You Forced Me To takes that to another level.
Lines that hit too close: I want you to hate me, I deserve it for my crimes. I know that I loved you but you loved me harder every time, I am not the same as when you met me, I have changed because you forced me to.
Why they hit: I can’t say I personally relate to this one (at least in Lizzy's point of view), but wow. It feels like reading a confession letter you weren’t meant to see. There’s no sugarcoating, no melodrama — just raw accountability. It’s not about blaming the other person entirely, but still acknowledging that yes, they did change you.
track #11: Older
Thoughts: The first single! If I Guess perfectly previews the emotional core of the album, Older perfectly sets the sound. Live instruments, minimal vocal mixing — just Lizzy, her words, and that raw, intimate energy that defines the whole project. Even though it’s probably my least favourite song on the album, I still love it with my whole heart. It feels like the blueprint for everything that follows.
Lines that hit too close: Wish I was stronger somehow, wish it was easy. Somewhere I lost all my senses, I wish I knew what the end is.
Why they hit: It’s that feeling of knowing what the right thing to do is; to walk away, to let go, but realising you just weren’t strong enough yet. You tell yourself maturity would’ve made it easier, but it never really is. Sometimes you just have to live through it to grow into the version of yourself who can do the hard thing.
track #12: Better Than This
Thoughts: This song captures that fragile, spiraling stage of getting to know someone — when you start letting them in but can’t shake the fear that you’re not good enough for them. It’s that gnawing insecurity that someone else might love them better than you do. And the quiet acceptance that, eventually, someone will. Just as someone, someday, will love you better too.
Lines that hit too close: What if I'm not a good person? You always say that I am. But you don't really know me at all now, I think that I'm not who you think I am.
Why they hit: There was this guy I used to like before my last ex, and I used to tell him how I didn’t feel like a good person, and he’d always reassure me that I was. (I didn’t believe him then, and I definitely don’t now.) When I first heard this line, I swear it felt like Lizzy had been sitting right there during that conversation. It’s eerie — and painfully validating.
track #13: March
Thoughts: Just like Headstones and Landmines and Chemtrails from her first two albums, March is one of Lizzy’s most personal songs, as they are all about her late father. It’s a raw exploration of grief: tender, honest, and devastating. Will it make you cry? Absolutely. Will it make you spiral into thoughts about life’s fragility, the inevitability of loss, and the fleetingness of everything you love? Without a doubt.
Lines that hit too close: And how could it take so long? Thought I had it handled but it slipped through. I didn't know it'd be this hard; so far away, and then it hits you.
Why they hit: If there’s one thing I’ve learned about grief — through death, fallouts, and heartbreak — it’s that it doesn’t move in a straight line. It comes in waves. Some days you think you’ve got it handled, and then out of nowhere, something small cracks you open again. This line captures that so perfectly — that quiet ambush of sadness that keeps reminding you healing isn’t linear.
track #14: Vortex
Thoughts: The final track on the standard edition — and honestly, the perfect sonic ending. If you play the album on loop, Vortex flows right back into The Elevator, creating this beautiful, haunting full circle. To me, that symbolises the cycle of relationships — how they can feel repetitive until you finally grow strong enough to break free. Lyrically, the song carries this sense of hope — that one day, she’ll escape the endless loop of falling in and out of the same kind of love. But sonically, when the album loops back to The Elevator, it contradicts that certainty. That contrast — between wanting to move on and still being caught in the spin — feels so intentional. And it’s genius.
Lines that hit too close: We're just awful together and awful apart
Why they hit: One thing I recently realised about my last relationship was that we were bad for each other, and somehow worse when we weren’t together. We both had our flaws, and even though I stayed and carried more than my share, deep down I knew we were never meant to last. That line — that brutal honesty — sums it all up perfectly.
track #15: Method Acting (Demo)
Thoughts: This song hits me hard, but not from Lizzy’s perspective. I relate more to the person she’s singing to. That blind commitment, that desperate kind of love that keeps you holding on even when you know it’s doomed... that screams me. I knew how it would end, but I stayed anyway. I chose the pain over losing him.
Lines that hit too close: Four years of bein' unfair, still, you don't seem to mind. You say you'd rather live unfairly if it keeps me in your life.
Why they hit: Because how many times did I almost leave, but stayed anyway? Stayed even when the mistreatment was too much, just to avoid being erased from his life. That line cuts right through me, because I know exactly what it’s like to love someone enough to accept being treated unfairly, just so you don’t lose them entirely.
track #16: Pushing It Down And Praying
Thoughts: The net said that if the guys have Glimpse of Us by Joji, we girls have Pushing It Down And Praying and I beg to disagree, because this song is much worse. This isn’t just heartbreak; it’s emotional treason disguised as tenderness. If my partner ever thought what Lizzy’s thinking here, I would crash out on the spot.
Lines that hit too close: Softer, harder, in-between, you know just how to get to me. He is stable, you are deep, I know just how to get what I need.
Why they hit: Peak Allie–Noah from The Notebook vibes — when your head knows one man is good for you, but your soul still aches for the one who ruined you in the most poetic way. It’s that kind of song that makes you realize being the “safe option” isn’t always a blessing — sometimes it’s just a slower heartbreak.
track #17: Soccer Practice
Thoughts: This is the song you play if you want to see me hysterically sob in public. Why? Play the song, I beg you please listen to this song. This is my ultimate favourite off the album, despite its simplicity. Lizzy somehow turned ordinary imagery into grief so palpable it hurts.
Lines that hit too close: You pick up the kids from soccer practice, I wait in line at the grocery store. You sing them to sleep, what else do we need? You're always sober, I'm always sure.
Why they hit: This song hurts from the very first verse because it mourns the future life you could've had with this person. The possibility of mundane day-to-day life with that person, having a future with them, now gone.
track #18: Force of Nature
Thoughts: This one centres around a breakup and losing yourself afterwards—like, who even am I without this person? Hello?? Relatable. Lizzy captures that hollow confusion so well, the kind that hits after the crying stops and the silence gets too loud.
Lines that hit too close: You are еxactly the past I don't want to drag up; all the things that we wеre, all the things that we never got a chance to be.
Why they hit: Coming right after Soccer Practice, this song feels like a slap—because first you’re mourning what could’ve been, and then you’re forced to face what will never be. It’s that brutal realisation that it’s over, for real this time. No more what-ifs, no more maybe-laters. Just the ending, and you—trying to find yourself again in the wreckage.
track #19: Spring Into Summer
Thoughts: This song feels like a breath of fresh air after the storm; that first sunny day after weeks of rain. If the acceptance phase had a Lizzy McAlpine soundtrack, this would be it. It’s about holding onto time even as it slips away, actually growing up emotionally, and learning to embrace change instead of fearing it. A perfect ending to the deluxe album. While Vortex throws you into a chaotic loop in the standard edition, Spring Into Summer finally lets you exhale — it ends the cycle, softly.
Lines that hit too close: You're always gonna be someone that I want, we have too many years between us. If I could jump into the past, I'd only change one thing; I'd never hurt you first, I'd never let you leave. And now I'm here forever, runnin' back to you.
Why they hit: These lines look back at the people who’ve left, or the ones you’ve had to leave. The kind of love that lingers, even when it’s over. You know you’ve accepted it, but if time ever gave you another chance, you’d still run back, just once more. Friends, lovers, family — all the ghosts that shaped who you are now.
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And that's my thoughts on Older (And Wiser) by Lizzy McAlpine. This is by no means a professional review of it, as I'm not musically inclined enough to do so, but my opinions stand. If Lizzy McAlpine has 10 fans, I would undoubtedly be one of them, and if she has none, it means I am no longer a part of this world.
2025 #log 3: moving back home for my new job, breakup, current obsessions
10.01.2025
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What word rhymes with yellow?
Hello!
If everything I planned worked out, this would be published exactly at the end of the third quarter of 2025. I've been on a roll in terms of writing; I think about so many things, and I'm willing to let them sit now, hence I have so many things to write too. They're all over the place; some of them I publish here, most of them are on my Notes app and my physical diary. As the title of this post suggests, a lot of things have happened since the previous quarter. Too many changes that I feel like a totally different person now.
moving back home for my new job
I got a new job! At my hometown! Better pay, hopefully better working environment, maybe great colleagues too and a project I've been aiming to work at for months on end. Moving back home comes with its own challenges, one of them being my complicated relationship with home and the things and people I left behind in my previous town and company. The last month I was in Kudat, I was a total wreck, and on the day I actually left, half of my soul was still there. It was weird to feel sad to move back home, but I was. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah for the new opportunity and experience.
had a breakup
Well, this one is a personal one. I was with my first official boyfriend (real first love), since July last year, and things were not the best with my ex, but I was in love, out of my mind in love, as Isabel Conklin said. I don't want to talk about the whys or the hows, but September had been rough on me. It has been exactly a month since the breakup, and though I'm much better than the person that I was a month ago, I'm still very much brokenhearted. But I know I will be okay. I just need the time to process everything, let things go, let him go, and just learn to be with myself again.
which leads to me ACTUALLY starting to live again...
The whole year I was with him, I made him the centre of everything. Which was why it hurt so bad when it ended; it's like I knew I was falling and the destination was concrete even before I jumped, and I didn't put anything on the ground to cushion the pain from the fall. When another person, or a relationship, is your centre of everything, your life tends to pause somehow. Or at least a huge part of your life, which was what happened to me. I stopped doing so many things I loved, simply because his presence alone already made me very content. And when he disappeared, I had nothing left to make me content, leaving me to crawl back to the things I had left so far behind. Which sucked, but also a huge blessing in disguise.
I started reading again!
This is the thing that I'm happiest about. I'm finally reading again. This September, I finally finished one book in one day, which has never happened since... forever. Due to my work, I can't always be reading, but I can say I'm religiously reading at least once a day. I'm actually excited to open my books again, get to know new worlds and characters, and I'm so happy about this because books used to be my whole world. I thought I had outgrown them! Turned out I only needed an empty space to place them in.
current obsessions
1. Once Upon A Broken Heart trilogy by Stephanie Garber (the books that got me out of my reading slump)
2. Sabrina Carpenter's new album, Man's Best Friend (I wrote a whole ranking for the album here)
3. The Summer I Turned Pretty TV Series (finally watching this one because of my FOMO, it's not the best, but at least it's enjoyable)
4. Hayley Williams's new single, Parachute (Tell me what was the moment, you decided to give up, you could've told me what you wanted, I would've done, I would've done anything, I would've done anything - YUP THIS LINE HITS WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME)
5. The film Sore: Istri Dari Masa Depan. Did I bawl throughout the whole movie? Yes. Did I also write my thoughts on the movie right after I went home? Yes, here.
6. Reading/ watching other people's breakup journeys online (because I need to know that I'm not alone)
I'm one of those people who hate to say, "Yes, the journey was hell, but it brought me heaven", because I hate how bad a crappy experience makes me feel. I have depressive and suicidal tendencies! So I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say this is my pot of gold at rainbow's end because I'm still feeling pretty crappy, and this pot of gold feels like a pot of shiwater for me. I know I will be a better person by the time this phase ends, but I wish I didn't have to feel this bad just to get there. But that's just... the sweet and sour of life.
Previous 2025 logs:
why Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan feels more like a reflection than a romance (in a good way)
9.29.2025
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I’d been waiting to watch this movie even before it hit theatres in Indonesia. Sheila Dara Aisha is starring (and yes, I could look at her face for hours), plus the premise sounded intriguing. When the film went viral in Indonesia—at least according to my TikTok For You Page—I had major FOMO. So when it finally came to Malaysia, of course, I rushed to catch it during its opening week.
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| Look at her face. So pretty, I want to be her when I grow up. |
And first things first: to everyone who shared Hall 6 at GSC 1Borneo with me on 28th September, 5:30 PM showtime—I owe you an apology. Yes, I was that girl in seat C11 who cried through the entire movie, even during scenes that weren’t supposed to be sad. My bad.
Premise
Imagine waking up one morning to find a stranger lying next to you—who then claims to be your future spouse. Naturally, you wouldn’t believe them. But what if they knew everything about you, even your most hidden quirks? That’s exactly what happens to Jonathan, the male lead. He wakes up to find Sore by his side, calmly insisting she’s his wife from the future. In exchange for making his life easier, she asks him to stop smoking, drinking, and start living healthily.
At first glance, the setup promises a sweet, quirky romance with a time-travel twist. But the film isn’t really about sci-fi mechanics—it’s about the emotional weight of love, choice, and change.
Themes
On the surface, it’s fate + romance with a sprinkle of time travel. But beneath that? Pure emotional torture (in the best way).
The movie keeps circling two painful questions:
1. If you love someone enough, can you change them?
2. If they refuse to change, do you have the strength to keep choosing them anyway?
Watching it felt exhausting in a strangely beautiful way. Hopeful, but tiring. Because, like in real life relationships, Sore keeps going back, trying again and again to help Jonathan become better—and failing. You find yourself asking, how long can this go on? If I, as an audience member, feel drained, how much heavier must it be for Sore? I could hear the audience sigh every time Sore resets everything from the beginning. Exhausting as it was, that was the point of the film.
And that’s the film’s rawest truth: love is choosing someone over and over again, even when it hurts. Ten times. A hundred times. A thousand times. Until you’re not sure if you’re saving them or losing yourself.
Characters & Chemistry
Sore is certain, grounded, and strong-willed. Jonathan is confused, hesitant, and overwhelmed. Their relationship isn’t about dazzling chemistry—it’s about the grinding reality of love’s work. Many viewers complained their spark felt muted, but that makes sense: this Sore belongs to Jonathan’s future self, the man he hasn’t become yet. The disconnect isn’t a flaw; it’s the point.
Sure, audiences crave the rush of a traditional romance. But for me, Sore’s unwavering determination—and the deep love fueling it—was far more compelling than any swoon-worthy moment.
Personal Reflections
By the time the credits rolled, I wasn’t just thinking about Jonathan and Sore—I was thinking about myself. About how love means choosing someone again and again… but also hoping they choose you with the same strength. About how love alone can’t transform someone who doesn’t want to change. And maybe, choosing someone doesn't always mean saving them. Choosing someone means that you'll stay, through the highs and the lows, especially the lows.
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| Picture by Farhangga |
Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan isn’t perfect, but it lingers. It’s the kind of film you’ll keep revisiting in your head, long after you’ve left the theatre, and for me, was added to my favourites list.
Recommended for the hopeless romantics, the sentimental souls, and anyone who listens to Sheila On 7’s Hingga Hujung Waktu on loop (because yes, I’m convinced the song inspired this story).
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