page 60 of growing oddities | stork boy, king's man
9.08.2025
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Oh Boy with the King’s name,
The owner of my soul,
The north to my compass,
The shackles to my heart.
You made sure I was tamed,
By the sweet tones of your words,
By the sweet notes of your lingering perfume,
By the sweet touch of your overnight coffee.
Oh Boy with the wandering eyes,
Hardworking as ever,
Making your name in your small town.
Hard-hearted as ever,
You made your heart my home and locked me out,
My roots tangled to your doorstep,
And through your window I saw your back,
Not caring, not looking.
My Boy with the rarest name,
My Boy with the careless eyes,
When you planted your seed in my home,
Did you know the monstrosity that would grow out of it—
The ruin, the wreckage, the garden gone to ash?
When the edge of you found its way to mine,
Did you know the absence of your warmth afterwards,
Would end up leaving me dying from the cold?
My Love,
Tell me,
Was our tragedy an accident,
Or was it always meant to be like this?
250908 / nyala – sal priadi
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He resided in the stork’s village, carried a name like a king, and walked in the shadow of another man’s throne. That’s the boy I wrote about. Funnily, he was the only guy I've ever been in love with, and I only wrote a few poems (<10) for him. And this is the last one for him.
And the quotation on the picture was lines from Sal Priadi's Nyala.
chaos diary: molten chocolate lava cake situation
8.12.2025
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| Featuring Bernadya's Kini Mereka Tahu because I'm listening to this song as I write this post. |
I have a sweet tooth. I love cakes and pastries and almost anything sweet, except for sweets themselves (ironically). So back when I went out with my friends for lunch at Pizza Hut in 2018, after stuffing ourselves with so much food, because I loved cakes so much, I still ordered this Molten Chocolate Lava Cake (I think it was just out back then?) even when I was already so full. But I wanted that cake! I stressed it out so much to my friends when they said, "Afifah, you're so full already, ice cream is coming, maybe it's a bad idea". I did not listen, because I wanted it so much. And yes, they ended up being right, and although I did finish the cake, I didn't get to enjoy it as I would usually do. And my friends have been referring to this event as the "SAYA MAU JUGA" event until this very day because I was that comically annoying when I want something I shouldn't have.
The point here is, I'm the type of person who won't listen to anyone once I want something. Even if I know other people are right, even if I know the thing that I want will be bad for me.
And I've been having another kind of Molten Chocolate Lava Cake situation for a while now... That I don't know how want to let go. I'm not the type of person to leave cakes unfinished just because they're bad, because I value the ingredients and work that went into making the cake. But this cake, unlike other cakes I've had before, triggered a lot of allergy reactions, weirdly, because I do not have any allergies. But you see... this lava cake is my first real out-of-actual-bakery cake, and I spent almost all of my savings on it, so it would be a shame to throw it away. And because I have been eating it for a while, it feels so natural in my mouth, and the allergy reactions, despite getting worse and worse every day because they go untreated, now only feel like that itch on your foot you can't scratch.
Now here comes the part where I conclude this post and share how I overcome this... but I can't because it's an ongoing situation. Advice is welcome, and please send prayers because I feel like my allergic reactions are killing me slowly.
page 50 of growing oddities | tldr: i want to grow old with you
7.27.2025
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I want to play with your hair,
And hold your head close to my chest,And bear the weight of the world for you.
I want to learn your favourite movie,
And watch you cry while watching it,
And bear a child that looks just like you.
I want to eat the food that you cook,
And learn the recipe for your favourite foods,
And bear the scars that the wound the universe left on you.
I want to see you breathe as you sleep at night,
And ask about your dreams when you wake up,
And bear the pain of loving you way too much.
I want to see you under the morning light,
And be the one sitting next to you under the afternoon glow,
And bear whatever it is that you would spill and overspill to me.
I want to write you poems,
And watch as you laugh and ask what you think of them,
Do you want to build a home with me?
And ask about your dreams when you wake up,
And bear the pain of loving you way too much.
I want to see you under the morning light,
And be the one sitting next to you under the afternoon glow,
And bear whatever it is that you would spill and overspill to me.
I want to write you poems,
And watch as you laugh and ask what you think of them,
Do you want to build a home with me?
230310 / kita usahakan rumah itu – sal priadi
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Needless to say, I'm a hopeless romantic. This poem was not inspired by the song mentioned, but the last verse was; the conclusion to what I wanted to say to the guy behind this poem. I was in love out of my mind with this one guy a bajillion days ago and thought "Oh, he has shiny eyes, he would have really cute children", but then also thought "Yeah, and he would most likely not have any with you". The second verse was, in fact, the first one written. This poem is sweet. The reason it was written was bitter, just like most of what I've written. I have another poem titled her and her and her that's like a brutal version of this poem (similar message, harshly worded), I don't think that piece will see the light of day LOL.
2025 log #2: mid-year freakout, rewatching my favourites and relearning self-love
7.25.2025
I guess we've established that I'll be doing a quarterly life update instead of monthly. Your girl has the attention span of a 5-year-old, emotional burst-outs like a 16-year-old and spends her time like she's a massive workaholic (wake up, work work work, go home, sleep)—she's not a workaholic. I love writing here because it summarises everything that has been happening to me, and is also at my fingertips. Journaling is one thing, I do that too, but sometimes it's too much, and I usually just do a brain (emotional—more like a trauma) dump instead of summarising my life. It's important TO ME that I document my life because of my Dory brain and my need of nostalgizing life every now and then. So here's what you missed on gLeE mE...
Mid-year freakout
Surprisingly, I still work at my first job, whereas ALL of my friends have left one by one. I freak out over this at least once a week, and it has been taking a toll on me for a while. I've cry-called my mother more times than I want to admit, embarrassingly. I watch my friends moving on with their lives and growing, and I don't feel like I'm growing in the same trajectory as them. My growth feels... rather... slow. And my life also feels slow. So I am having a mid-year crisis, let's see if I'll get over it by the next quarter.
Rewatching my favourite movies/TV series
I don't remember if I've ever written about this, but I love rewatching stuff (which is why I'm on an eternal Friends rewatch—sucks that it's not on Netflix or Disney anymore). It's easy to digest the things you've seen, you get to relive your favourite scenes again and again, and sometimes you get to have a perspective you didn't have the first time around. It's comforting, you don't tend to do a watch marathon (which is great but takes a toll on your sleep and eyes). These days, I'm rewatching Modern Family, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and sometimes, How I Met Your Mother. And during my long holiday in June, I was on a full-on Marvel marathon, which re-established my love for Guardians of the Galaxy, Loki (the character) and Tony Stark.
Relearning to love myself
Sometimes when a big change happens in your life, this whole version of you shatters into small pieces, beyond repair. The harsh truth is that you will never get this version back. You will need to rebuild everything that was shattered from scratch, and it will not look quite the same as the one before. This new version of you might be hard to love when you spent years and years to like even that good-enough past self, but with time, you'll see what to love in this new version and accept it somehow. And that's kinda the process I'm currently in, and it's super hard.
Pieces I've been loving lately...
2. are you emotionally detached or are you just protecting yourself? - good damage
3. Untuk Dunia, Cinta Dan Kotornya by Nadin Amizah
I need to read and consume quality content more, but these days I just can't. Not even my favourite books. Not even my favourite content creators, not even my favourite musicians and writers. My days have turned into this blurry, grey ball of nothings; my tomorrows just echo from my yesterdays. Everything feels stagnant, to be honest; my feet deep in dirt, heart too scared to jump out, not knowing where I might end up... This post is kind of my "TAKE A BREATH" moment.
page 59 of growing oddities | with love, yours
7.07.2025
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| Chased sunset for iftar. |
I long to see you at the end of every day.
Life’s tough and people are rough,
Yesterday draining, tomorrow reckoning,
Today, still spinning,
But you sit at the end of my day,
Gentle and sweet,
The catalyst of my healing,
A soft place to land when I free fall.
I long to see you at the end of every day.
Home, just not quite yet,
But warm, just the same.
My buzzing mind, ever trembling, never quiet,
Your quiet noise, ever lingering, never fading.
Intentional silence and comfortable chatter,
Over coffee or cakes or ice cream.
I long to see you at the end of every day,
And I wish I always will,
I wish that what you are to me is what I am to you,
And if we’re damned to wither,
I wish that this is how you’ll remember me;
A person you look forward to seeing every day,
To be missed and reminisced.
250625 / don’t forget you love me – calum hood
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Saw this Calum Hood's interview on TikTok, and there was this one comment that interprets "don't forget you love me" that Calum's ex said to him as a reminder to never demonise their relationship and antagonise the ex-lover by remembering that he love/loved them. And so that gave a kind of clarity to me... which inspired this poem.
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