2025 #log 3: moving back home for my new job, first breakup, current obsessions
10.01.2025
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What word rhymes with yellow?
Hello!
If everything I planned worked out, this would be published exactly at the end of the third quarter of 2025. I've been on a roll in terms of writing; I think about so many things, and I'm willing to let them sit now, hence I have so many things to write too. They're all over the place; some of them I publish here, most of them are on my Notes app and my physical diary. As the title of this post suggests, a lot of things have happened since the previous quarter. Too many changes that I feel like a totally different person now.
moving back home for my new job
I got a new job! At my hometown! Better pay, hopefully better working environment, maybe great colleagues too and a project I've been aiming to work at for months on end. Moving back home comes with its own challenges, one of them being my complicated relationship with home and the things and people I left behind in my previous town and company. The last month I was in Kudat, I was a total wreck, and on the day I actually left, half of my soul was still there. It was weird to feel sad to move back home, but I was. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah for the new opportunity and experience.
first breakup
Well, this one is a personal one. I was in my first relationship since July last year, and things were not the best with my ex, but I was in love. Out of my mind in love, as Isabel Conklin said. I don't want to talk about the whys or the hows, but September had been rough on me. It has been exactly a month since the breakup, and though I'm much better than the person that I was a month ago, I'm still very much brokenhearted. But I know I will be okay. I just need the time to process everything, let things go, let him go, and just learn to be with myself again.
which leads to me ACTUALLY starting to live again...
The whole year I was with him, I made him the centre of everything. Which was why it hurt so bad when it ended; it's like I knew I was falling and the destination was concrete even before I jumped, and I didn't put anything on the ground to cushion the pain from the fall. When another person, or a relationship, is your centre of everything, your life tends to pause somehow. Or at least a huge part of your life, which was what happened to me. I stopped doing so many things I loved, simply because his presence alone already made me very content. And when he disappeared, I had nothing left to make me content, leaving me to crawl back to the things I had left so far behind. Which sucked, but also a huge blessing in disguise.
I started reading again!
This is the thing that I'm happiest about. I'm finally reading again. This September, I finally finished one book in one day, which has never happened since... forever. Due to my work, I can't always be reading, but I can say I'm religiously reading at least once a day. I'm actually excited to open my books again, get to know new worlds and characters, and I'm so happy about this because books used to be my whole world. I thought I had outgrown them! Turned out I only needed an empty space to place them in.
current obsessions
1. Once Upon A Broken Heart trilogy by Stephanie Garber (the books that got me out of my reading slump)
2. Sabrina Carpenter's new album, Man's Best Friend (I wrote a whole ranking for the album here)
3. The Summer I Turned Pretty TV Series (finally watching this one because of my FOMO, it's not the best, but at least it's enjoyable)
4. Hayley Williams's new single, Parachute (Tell me what was the moment, you decided to give up, you could've told me what you wanted, I would've done, I would've done anything, I would've done anything - YUP THIS LINE HITS WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME)
5. The film Sore: Istri Dari Masa Depan. Did I bawl throughout the whole movie? Yes. Did I also write my thoughts on the movie right after I went home? Yes, here.
6. Reading/ watching other people's breakup journeys online (because I need to know that I'm not alone)
I'm one of those people who hate to say, "Yes, the journey was hell, but it brought me heaven", because I hate how bad a crappy experience makes me feel. I have depressive and suicidal tendencies! So I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say this is my pot of gold at rainbow's end because I'm still feeling pretty crappy, and this pot of gold feels like a pot of shiwater for me. I know I will be a better person by the time this phase ends, but I wish I didn't have to feel this bad just to get there. But that's just... the sweet and sour of life.
Previous 2025 logs:
why Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan feels more like a reflection than a romance (in a good way)
9.29.2025
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I’d been waiting to watch this movie even before it hit theatres in Indonesia. Sheila Dara Aisha is starring (and yes, I could look at her face for hours), plus the premise sounded intriguing. When the film went viral in Indonesia—at least according to my TikTok For You Page—I had major FOMO. So when it finally came to Malaysia, of course, I rushed to catch it during its opening week.
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| Look at her face. So pretty, I want to be her when I grow up. |
And first things first: to everyone who shared Hall 6 at GSC 1Borneo with me on 28th September, 5:30 PM showtime—I owe you an apology. Yes, I was that girl in seat C11 who cried through the entire movie, even during scenes that weren’t supposed to be sad. My bad.
Premise
Imagine waking up one morning to find a stranger lying next to you—who then claims to be your future spouse. Naturally, you wouldn’t believe them. But what if they knew everything about you, even your most hidden quirks? That’s exactly what happens to Jonathan, the male lead. He wakes up to find Sore by his side, calmly insisting she’s his wife from the future. In exchange for making his life easier, she asks him to stop smoking, drinking, and start living healthily.
At first glance, the setup promises a sweet, quirky romance with a time-travel twist. But the film isn’t really about sci-fi mechanics—it’s about the emotional weight of love, choice, and change.
Themes
On the surface, it’s fate + romance with a sprinkle of time travel. But beneath that? Pure emotional torture (in the best way).
The movie keeps circling two painful questions:
1. If you love someone enough, can you change them?
2. If they refuse to change, do you have the strength to keep choosing them anyway?
Watching it felt exhausting in a strangely beautiful way. Hopeful, but tiring. Because, like in real life relationships, Sore keeps going back, trying again and again to help Jonathan become better—and failing. You find yourself asking, how long can this go on? If I, as an audience member, feel drained, how much heavier must it be for Sore? I could hear the audience sigh every time Sore resets everything from the beginning. Exhausting as it was, that was the point of the film.
And that’s the film’s rawest truth: love is choosing someone over and over again, even when it hurts. Ten times. A hundred times. A thousand times. Until you’re not sure if you’re saving them or losing yourself.
Characters & Chemistry
Sore is certain, grounded, and strong-willed. Jonathan is confused, hesitant, and overwhelmed. Their relationship isn’t about dazzling chemistry—it’s about the grinding reality of love’s work. Many viewers complained their spark felt muted, but that makes sense: this Sore belongs to Jonathan’s future self, the man he hasn’t become yet. The disconnect isn’t a flaw; it’s the point.
Sure, audiences crave the rush of a traditional romance. But for me, Sore’s unwavering determination—and the deep love fueling it—was far more compelling than any swoon-worthy moment.
Personal Reflections
By the time the credits rolled, I wasn’t just thinking about Jonathan and Sore—I was thinking about myself. About how love means choosing someone again and again… but also hoping they choose you with the same strength. About how love alone can’t transform someone who doesn’t want to change. And maybe, choosing someone doesn't always mean saving them. Choosing someone means that you'll stay, through the highs and the lows, especially the lows.
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| Picture by Farhangga |
Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan isn’t perfect, but it lingers. It’s the kind of film you’ll keep revisiting in your head, long after you’ve left the theatre, and for me, was added to my favourites list.
Recommended for the hopeless romantics, the sentimental souls, and anyone who listens to Sheila On 7’s Hingga Hujung Waktu on loop (because yes, I’m convinced the song inspired this story).
Links:
page 24 of growing oddities | rosaline
9.22.2025
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Hyperfixate on me until you tire,
Until another girl takes your love.
It's nice to feel your gaze for once;
It's good to feel your presence.
Look at me until your eyes wander,
Until you decide it was never more than passing.
It's something to be cared for,
Even when I know it isn't forever.
Maybe love me until you don't,
Maybe hold my heart until it cracks.
Maybe notice everything I do
Until it dissolves into nothing.
Maybe stay—long enough
For me to forget the silence.
I'm an unwelcome branch against your dry wall,
An odd accessory to your plain coat—
That's all I am.
So I tell myself not to believe,
Not to mistake shadow for permanence,
Not to hope too much.
Yet I know you'll go,
And I will be left,
A name you once spoke,
A heart you almost held.
220410 / to me - leith ross
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This was an old one, written when I was 21, and recently polished. One of my favourite pieces I've ever written. This was very much inspired by the character Rosaline from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and my previous experiences being the girl guys looked at until they found someone they wanted. I think I had just finished rereading Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower back when I wrote this, so that might be the catalyst to this sad piece LOL.
ranking of sabrina's songs from "man's best friend" (uncalled for)
9.16.2025
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Sabrina Carpenter has been one of my favourite singers since her emails i can't send (eics) era. Personally, eics meant a lot to me when it first went out; my life was changed, the album inspired many of my poems, and many of her songs shaped my mind a lot. But we're not talking about eics today. I will not be able to talk about that album in a short post. I'm just going to write what I thought about her new album, Man's Best Friend, which coincidentally was released after my (messy) break-up. A short ranking post, like one of those TikTok videos, which I thought of making, but I just articulate my thoughts better through writing. This is not at all a review post, as I am not a musically inclined person. If you're interested in listening to this album whilst reading this post, here's the Spotify link.
Ranking at number 12 is Tears, simply because it's one of those songs that you dance to without needing to think. I'm more of a dance-cry person, and this song was not that kind of song, writing-wise.
Favourite line: A little communication, yes, that's my ideal f**eplay
Thoughts on the line: Be communicative. Duh.
Can't relate, Sabrina, I ALWAYS see the vision. All the guys I thought would grow up hot DID grow up hot. Even when the others didn't see it. The song is a total bop, though.
Favourite line: Sorry, I did not see the vision (Did not see the vision), Thank the Lord, the fine you has risen (The fine you has risen)
Thoughts on the line: Love it when people just glow up.
Imagine being so heartbroken that you have to resort to day drinking just to forget that you have been dumped.
Favourite line: Guess a broken heart doesn't care that I just woke up
Thoughts on the line: The mornings are the hardest part, even to this day. I sometimes wake up thinking "ugh I miss him" but then in the afternoon I just... don't care.
Oh I LOVE this song. Sabrina is such an unserious and fun songwriter-I love the usage of metaphors in her songs. But this song has no metaphor, guys, she promised! And I have been loving the TikTok edits of this song using clips of Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. Phil would have loved this song, and would definitely keep playing this song to no end, saying that she's singing about real estate, and that Sabrina is a carpenter, so she definitely knows what she's talking about.
Favourite line: Yeah, I spent a little fortune on the waxed floors, we can be a little reckless ’cause it's insured
Thoughts on the line: Glad to know that your floor is insured, Sabrina. Insurance is really important.
The first single! Among all of the songs in this album, this sounds closest to her previous album, Short 'N Sweet. Loved that album too, but when this came out, I thought I missed a song from the deluxe. I tried so hard not to like this song because it was so mainstream, but I miserably failed because, although I didn't really play this song a lot, I absolutely still really loved it. With the third season of The Summer I Turned Pretty released and everyone editing Jeremiah to this song, I just couldn't help but love this song as well. #Terjebak.
Favourite line: Why so sexy if so dumb? And how survive the Earth so long? If I'm not there, it won't get done, I choose to blame your mom.
Thoughts on the line: Exactly! How can a person be so hot but so dumb? All the hot girls that I know are insanely smart, though.
The Jack Antonoff influence was so obvious in this one (in a good way). I love the way she sang "don't worry, I'll make you worry" in the chorus, the way it was so soft, but what she communicated in this song wasn't exactly... soft.
Favourite line: Silent treatment and humblin' your a**, Well, that's some of my best work
Thoughts on the line: Manifesting on being able to give people silent treatment and humbling men's a**es!
Ah, the one song that I really want to finally relate to. And this song sounds so much like ABBA, which I really love (a Mamma Mia fan here). This one actually made me dance-cry.
Favourite line: Broke my heart on Saturday, Guess overnight, your feelings changed, And I have cried so much, I almost fainted
Thoughts on the line: I cried so much, I did faint.
Another song that's currently viral on TikTok, and deserves it. Definitely would have sent this to my ex's Mommy, but she doesn't need to know that her beloved eldest son is the person that he is.
Favourite line: Me? No, yeah, I'm good, just thought that he eventually would cave in, rеach out. But no siree, he discovered sеlf-control (He discovered it this week).
Thoughts on the line: "He discovered it this week" really sent me.
An elaboration to the "He discovered self-control (He discovered it this week)" line from Nobody's Son. Don't you just love it when yesterday he was obsessed with where you were, what you were doing, and the next day he could just delete your number and pretend you dropped dead?
Favourite line: He used to be literally obsessed with me, I'm suddenly the least sought-after girl in the land
Thoughts on the line: Relatable.
I first listened to the album according to the tracklist, so among the Top 3, this was the first one that played. I really thought this would be my favourite because the way the song started was really up my alley, but compared to #1 and #2, this was less relatable. Still relatable, but it wasn't something I dwelled on (avoided dwelling on).
Favourite line: You filled my whole apartment with flowers that die, the first to open up your wallet, but the last one to flag. A heart only breaks so many times. Save your money and stop makin' me cry.
Thoughts on the line: I don't need you to spend much money on me; I just want you to stop making me cry.
This actually makes me cry, and as much as I love this song, I cannot listen to it as much as I want to. We went through this "we almost broke up again last night" phase for so long that I couldn't remember when it started. Which was weird, because I remember thinking we were happy for the past few months.
Favourite line: You say we're driftin' apart, I said, "Yeah, I f***ing know", big deal, we've been here before, and we'll be here tomorrow
Thoughts on the line: When you almost break up with someone again and again, you would think that the cycle would always repeat, especially when you're the one who's doing the hard work in the relationship. Like, why would they give up on you if they just have to sit still and look pretty, right? WRONG.
I knew this was going to be my favourite from the first 3 seconds I listened to it. In fact, I repeated that intro for like 5 times before I actually started to listen to Sabrina singing. I. Love. This. Song. It's full of dichotomies, lines contradicting lines, wishing your ex happiness but not really... I have no single favourite line from this song because I love every part of it. I laughed so hard listening to this song. I can easily spend hours just talking about this song, but I'm going to spare you from that torture.
Favourite line: I just wish you didn't have a mind that could flip like a switch, that could wander and drift to a neighbouring b**ch when just the other night you said you need me, what gives?
Thoughts on the line: My favourite line changes every second, but this one's the safest one, I think.
And that's my uncalled-for ranking of songs from Man's Best Friend. Would love to know which one is your favourite from the album too.
page 60 of growing oddities | stork boy, king's man
9.08.2025
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Oh Boy with the King’s name,
The owner of my soul,
The North to my compass,
The shackles to my heart.
You made sure I was tamed,
By the sweet tones of your words,
By the sweet notes of your lingering perfume,
By the sweet touch of your overnight coffee.
Oh Boy with the wandering eyes,
Hardworking as ever,
Making your name in your small town.
Hard-hearted as ever,
You made your heart my home and locked me out,
My roots tangled to your doorstep,
And through your window I saw your back,
Not caring, not looking.
My Boy with the rarest name,
My Boy with the careless eyes,
When you planted your seed in my home,
Did you know the monstrosity that would grow out of it—
The ruin, the wreckage, the garden gone to ash?
When the edge of you found its way to mine,
Did you know the absence of your warmth afterwards,
Would end up leaving me dying from the cold?
My Love,
Tell me,
Was our tragedy an accident,
Or was it always meant to be like this?
250908 / i love you, i'm sorry – gracie abrams
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He resided in the stork’s village, carried a name like a king, and walked in the shadow of another man’s throne. That’s the boy I wrote about. Funnily, he was the only guy I've ever been in love with, and I only wrote a few poems (<10) for him (I wrote hundreds for a guy I had a crush on for 8 years). And this is the last one for him. Maybe.
You were a dick but I was too. Less of a dick than you, though.
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