Nabila

When a relationship whether it's between lovers or friends, end, we find ourselves asking a lot of questions to ourselves. Am I the one who wrong? Did I unknowingly make mistake? Why did he/she/them left me? What went wrong that it got to this? How? When?

We expected them to be with us for a long time, it's only natural that these questions come to our mind. We met, we got to know each other and it took time to get comfortable around each other, we cared about them, we loved, cherish and shared secrets with them, of course we didn't see the separation coming. We fought and made up. We kept some secrets from each other. And maybe we never think that it would get so bad, but some relationships just can't be fixed. Maybe externally the relationship looked just fine, but internally it wasn't. Maybe to us the relationship was great but maybe to the other person, it just wasn't right. There are a lot of things that can cause an end to a relationship.

If an end is supposed to happen, it's gonna happen. It'll hurt us, break us to pieces and sometimes it make people lose themselves. But you know what? Relationships between humans are all going to end anyway. Only relationship between you and God that is going to last forever. That's why when we are in those relationships, cherish it. Don't take it for granted because we never know when or how it's going to end.

When the relationships end, don't blame yourself too much. Maybe you were wrong in some ways, but learn from it because there'll be another person who'll come to your life. There'll be new relationships, and in the future, try to do better.

Because wishing for something you don't know is like wishing for something when you only see the shadow, not the object. (picture credit)

3 weeks without a rest : that's how I feel about this new routine. I'm so tired everyday, I don't get enough sleep, there's so much to do with so little time. I guess that's what people call growing up. Ahhh I miss the time where there was a thing called 'afternoon nap' in my life. There's none now. Only nap in the class, nap between subjects, standing up nap and some other naps that are not afternoon nap. Sad.

But people say you need to get through sea of thorns if you want to live in a beautiful garden full of roses or Malay people say, bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian.

Every teacher that went into our class said that all of us look so tired. We are, cikgu, thanks for noticing and sometimes give us some rest time and sometimes giving us motivation to keep studying although we feel like we might fall anytime soon.

I'm tired too, but at class, I'm not as tired as others because I've been drinking coffee every morning since school started. I hate coffee, I hate how my mouth smells after I drink it and I hate that sometimes I got gastritis just because I don't eat anything before drinking coffee but a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do, alright.

Doesn't everyone has that one day of weekdays that they totally hate? Well for me, that day is Wednesday. Wednesdays at school are the worst. There are extra curricular activities, the need to be under the sunlight during the afternoon, sweating a lot, being scolded because some people are late to the dataran, being tired, and tons of homework to do at night when all I want to do is to sleep. It's a busy and tiring day, every week.

Today is the worst Wednesday for my whole secondary school student life. It's just a bad day, I know, but my bad days are always on Wednesday. I always cry on Wednesday. It doesn't mean that I don't cry during the other days, but I cry the most on Wednesdays. Maybe it's the mindset about Wednesday, psychological thingy. But nonetheless, my Wednesdays are bad.

Today, I got ridiculed by the boys, it was so shameful. I'm obviously not in the mood to talk about it in details, so I'm just gonna say this: boys at my school are suck. Does it hurt so much to at least not hurt me? I'm not even asking them to respect me as if I'm a very good person (I'm not), I'm just asking not to be ridiculed and embarrassed in front of people. I already feel that my entire existent is an embarrassment, I don't have to be more embarrassed, okay?

Today, someone just throw their anger at me when I do nothing wrong. I don't know if that person hates me or what, but girl, you can't just get mad at me for no reasons. It's annoying. And I was already annoyed by the boys to begin with.

And today, I need to go to 3 different stores with not small distance, just to find 2 permanent markers. 3 different stores, for 2 little things. That's just annoying. So annoying.

Today is a very annoying day. But like they say, it's just a bad day, not a bad life. This too shall pass so I should be patient. If you're having a bad day, like me, I hope you're patient too.

Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

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