going back to my roots again
10.13.2023
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| Home. |
Today's post is going to be a bit more personal but I just feel the need to write it down while the realization and the feeling are still fresh, and if you are reading this, it means that I also find it shareable.
It has been about three weeks since I started as a substitute teacher at my old school. This school also happens to be two minutes away from my home, I live at teachers' quarters because my mother is a teacher here. So basically, this area has been my home for over 20 years; I lived here since 2002. Being a substitute teacher here is convenient, not just because it's literally my home but also because I've known the people in this school for my whole life. It should feel homey, it should feel comfortable, isn't it?
Not for me. I don't thrive in familiarity. To be honest, being cooped up in the same place over and over again makes me feel sort of claustrophobic. As much as I love this place, I feel more at home a hundred kilometres away, which doesn't make sense even to me.
So if you ask me how it feels being a substitute teacher at my old school, I'll say it feels weird, it's over-comfortable that it becomes the opposite of it, and I can't wait to finish, at least until like an hour ago.
Being here again also means I'm having a similar routine as the students, exposed to a similar environment, only from a different point of view, but a similar experience all the same. I forgot to mention that this is a religious secondary school (SMKA). And I haven't been having this kind of routine since 2017, so when I started having it again, everything came rushing back to me.
First came nostalgia. As I observed and interacted with these kids, I realized how naive I was back then, and how I was also one of these kids just six years ago. And I both hate and love nostalgia. While it brings a certain kind of sweetness; reminiscing about my teen years, it also brings a certain kind of sadness; thinking about how far I am from my friends as well as my past selves.
After a few weeks, I'm starting to feel a certain kind of pull that I only just now recognized. 6 years away from this place has somehow diluted the values that have been imbued in my soul and I realized that these values have slowly come back to me. While I have grown apart from my roots for the past few years, and apart from Him for the past couple of months, being in this place again is His way of pulling me back to Him and the version of me that I so very love.
This realization also brings another kind of realization; that just because you don't want to do something, or be somewhere, it doesn't mean that they don't bring good to you. And while I wasn't being pessimistic at all about being here again, I wasn't expecting this kind of goodness. And I'm grateful, oh so grateful for this, Alhamdulillah. A certain Quranic verse came to mind as I was writing this:
“So, undoubtedly, along with the hardship, there is ease. Surely with (that) hardship comes (more) ease.[Quran, 94: 5-6]
Now, all Quranic verses have many different interpretations, and every person might relate to every verse differently at different points in their lives. For now, I just think that despite how weird, uncomfortable or hard it is being here, there is goodness that I gain from it. And for that, I'm grateful, Alhamdulillah. And I wish and pray for people that are reading this to also be able to see the goodness in every hardship you experience, May Allah ease everything for us all, aamiin.
my current definition(s) of home
9.11.2023
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| An old picture from 2017, taken by yours truly. |
Home is breathing in the salt air as I watch the sun sets.
Home is having a song on my mind as I place my capo on my guitar fret.
Home is having a song on my mind as I place my capo on my guitar fret.
Home is finding myself wandering around the mall I know so well, that I can walk in blindly.
Home is longing, longing, longing for hugs from my loved ones, missing them from afar.
Home is inevitably liking someone on a whim, like leaves falling from their home branch.
Home is falling in love with loving someone.
Home is jotting phrases down when I'm bestowed with inspiration among a sea of strangers.
Home is creating 147 playlists, dedicated to random things, points in life and people.
Home is me, me, me.
So if there's one thing I hope I never lose again: it's myself.
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| I find that there's something poetic about taking pictures. This picture was taken by Maxcy. |
It's truly a privilege, a form of rizq, to find joy, find homes in cities or places my blood doesn't run in. How privileged I am to find my way home again and again after losing myself, losing my meaning of home as many times as I had; how hellish the process of finding it again. I'm shaking as I write this due to the fear of repeating the same thing, of losing myself again. But I'm writing this down here, in case I can't find my way home again.
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| Back when it was easier to find joy in little things. Taken by my parents, probably in 2002 or 2003. |
You find home in finding yourself. You find joy in gratitude over the tiniest beautiful things God lets you experience, and in these little joys exist little homes, little sanctuaries you can shelter yourself. Home is your mom and your dad and your brothers. Home is your best friends, wherever they are. But most of all, home is wherever, whoever, whatever you put your joys in, and if you find them in even the tiniest of things, you will feel at home in more places. Home will be everywhere if you are willing to look a little closer. Home is wherever love exists and because He is in everything, love exists even in places you would never thought to look in. Home is many many things and most of all, home is you.
page 51 of growing oddities
8.07.2023
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| Maxcy and me, Bukit Janggut, 22nd July 2023. Photo by Tiqah. |
There's something sad about this
that I can't quite put into words.
that I can't quite put into words.
Like I'm de-attaching something
after being attached to it,
Like leaving
after deciding that I want to stay,
But I also don't want to be stuck
to the same old place.
Every action of mine
contradicts my decisions,
And these days,
I'm starting to be repulsed by my own reflection.
Time is doing its job,
And I don't think I like it this time.
There's something maddening about this
that I can't quite put into words.
230621/mungkin takut perubahan - lomba sihir
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I wrote it about a month before the end of my internship. I panicked and got emotional because something so good was ending. This one is slightly unfinished, and a bit of a mess. I don't know how to finish and edit it, and that's okay.
life updates & rants | so um... i finished my degree
I know I said I wanted to be consistently updating this blog since last year, but life had just been hectic (when is it not?). A lot has happened since my last life update. My last post was a poem and I can't even relate to it anymore LOL. The person that is writing this post is a totally different person than the person who wrote that poem.
It feels a bit surreal writing this. I can't believe I went from writing about my day-to-day life as an 11-year-old to writing about me finishing my degree. What would that little girl think about me? I'm gonna be honest here, I am lost, confused, terrified and excited at the same time. Mostly terrified. Now that I'm out of the education cocoon, I should be free to fly anywhere I want but what if I don't know where that is? What if once I figure out where I want to be, I can't get there? (Obviously talking about the misery of job search guys).
Adulting feels weird. Part of me still feels like I'm a child; like I should always be supervised so that I won't do something that'll hurt me. But at the same time, I have these things I need to carry and do on my own, and figure out how to do them. It's like I'm being pushed into a room when I still have things in the other one, and now I can't get them anymore. It's scary to be here. Will I ever get used to it? Will I figure this out? And the one question that haunts me even in my sleep is, will I ever get a job? (the struggle is real guys, the competition is really something else).
So that's where I am, currently. TLDR; since the last life update (which was April last year holy cow), I started my final year project, finished it, finished semester 6 & 7 with flying colours, started my internship at the Department of Environment (which was super fun and precious to me), finished my internship and my final semester and I'm currently hunting for a job AND waiting for my graduation (which will be on November or December).
I would love to hear some of your life updates and stories. Or inputs regarding... you know... life, in general?
page 44 of growing oddities | three months from now
3.21.2023
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| Photo by me! Private IG account saw it first. This was a heart-shaped tree somewhere along my jogging route (Me? Jogging? HAHA I know right? But I did jog okay.) |
Eyes meet eyes
From across the aisle
A glimpse of recognition in yours
Glints of light in mine
It has been three months
Since we both said anything to each other
There's a bit of awkwardness in the air
And a bit of tension in my heart
I say hello first to break the silence
You say hi back and there's a crack in my wall
Exchanges of how are you
And what are you doing
But never I'm sorry I didn't wish you a happy birthday
Nor I'm sorry I didn't reply to your texts
But it's okay because we're both past it
And I'm no longer twenty-one
So things like that don't phase me anymore
Just a few other formal exchanges to be civil
I don't ask about that girl you've been seeing
And you don't ask about the man I'm not seeing
As we walk towards the exit door of the supermarket
I look at your car that I have involuntarily memorized
As you start the engine and say goodbye
And we say see you like it's inevitable that we'll meet again
But in my head I say farewell forever
I'm leaving our town for good to never come back
You haven't heard about that.
221221/listening to: skinny dipping by sabrina carpenter
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This was written on the 21st of December 2022. This was a personal one, and I'm not doing so okay currently. Hopefully, three months from now I'll see the reasons behind everything and be able to move forward without regret. I'll be starting my internship by the time this is posted, I don't know if I'll be able to write the POV from the three-months-from-now me. I'm planning to say how much of this is true. Who knows, I'll probably say "DUDE THIS EXACT THING HAPPENED". I miss you, I wish we were something to at least be able to say that to you. How would I be able to say that when what we had was barely a situationship?
page 47 of growing oddities | a love letter to my friends on my birthday
1.15.2023
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| Photo by Qilah. It was a beautiful day in 2022. |
to my mother's prayers for my well-being and smooth sailing
comes in the form of you,
Of impromptu lunch trips to the mall nearby,
Of rushing to the movies to still come in late,
Of ice cream hunting after a long, hard day of work,
Of laughing to tears from the most random things,
Of seeing sunsets from afar in the backseat of the car.
The answer
to my father's prayers for my happiness and health
comes in the form of you,
Of you making sure I don't eat overly spicy things,
Of you making sure I eat when I forget to,
Of you taking me out on some blue holidays,
Of you holding me back in front of bookstores and pastry shops when I'm penniless,
Of you holding my hand whenever we're crossing roads.
The answer
to my many prayers
came when we became friends,
And forevermore,
I'll love you,
I am eternally grateful
to have you in my life.
230111/to my friends, but especially to alfa, silah and qilah who have been here since 2018. i love you guys, to the moon and to saturn and back.
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| A sneak peek to my 22nd birthday celebration. Not a lot of pictures because I'm cursed when it comes to pictures but that's okay HAHAHA. |
I turned 22 on the 11th and it was such a wonderful day. My friends deserve so much for spending the day with me, I was so happy. I have always been a crier birthday girl, since I was a teenager, so the fact that I didn't cry at all during my birthday, and the only time I almost teared up was due to being too happy... you have no idea how much that meant to me. May all of my friends and of course, my parents, are blessed with happiness until the end of their lives and granted Jannah in the hereafter, aamiin.
On a side note, this poem was titled "this is love... i think" on my note app and I think that's beautiful. I think it's beautiful that despite have not ever been in love, I learned so much about love from my friendships. Not just with them but also with my best friends from high school, with my ex-roommates and so many other people. I'm sure I'll learn more about love when I'm actually in love but the fact that you can learn so much, have so much and give so much just by having friendships... isn't that crazy and magical?
page 45 of growing oddities | tiny reasons to live
1.02.2023
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| Photo by yours truly. Even as I rushed home because it was Maghrib, I still stopped to take this one because it was such a beautiful sight. |
A stranger opening the door for you with a smile on their face,
Accidental music findings and the kind of butterfly you've never seen before,
Foods that don't look so good but are heaven on your tongue.
A dog following you all the way home from a safe distance as if it's guarding you,
Genuinely good guys offering to help you with your heavy stuff,
Exciting new first times and the kind of smile you've never seen on your face before,
First "I love you"s to and from the people you never thought would be your friends.
The smile on your mom's face when you crack a little joke,
Another lengthy motivational talk from your old man,
Another night watching a movie that would be your favourite with your brothers,
Watching people from the sidewalk, seeing things in slow motion,
A warm hand wrapping yours on a cold day.
A cat purring in your lap to comfort you after a long hard day,
Up all night video chatting with your long-distance best friends,
Kind-hearted friends with kind-hearted cursing after they find out another way you sabotaged yourself,
How the grass smells on a sunny day reminds you of your grandparents' house.
A hug from a loved one and the way their smell lingers on you for a while afterwards,
Kisses on your forehead, pats on your head, and the "you did well"s,
The way the stars appear on a cloudy night on the days you're missing someone,
The quiet and the hopefulness of the dawn,
The way these little things touched your heart because He willed them,
And you'll find another reason to live each day,
and another,
and another.
221226/listening to: you're on your own kid - taylor swift
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Happy new year everyone! This was supposed to be posted during New Year's Eve, but I got sidetracked from posting it on time and here we are. I wish everyone a terrific year and may 2023 be our best year yet! I wish that everyone will always see those little things to be grateful for and that even during the most challenging days, we'll find the beautiful tiny reasons to live.
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